Battle of Champions - The Result

As I'm sure Torrie can attest, I have spent many hours over the past few days poring over the JB controversary. I have watched dozens of James Bond movies. I have watched hours of 24 DVDs. I've listened to soundtracks from both franchises. We live in serious times, and matters such like this deserve serious attention.

I don’t think that we can debate on the point of which one is cooler. Obviously, without a doubt, it’s James Bond.

He gets the pretty girls. Yeah, a good number of them die, but at least they disappear and don’t have that whole “I love you, but I can’t allow myself to love you” conflict that all of Jack’s love interests seem to have or he has with them.

He goes to pretty places all over the world. Jack Bauer spends all of his time in CA…well, he went to Africa this summer. Whoop-de-do. That can’t compare to Switzerland, Venice, Italy, London, Jamaica, and the list goes on and on and on.

But that’s not what my question was – who would win in a fight?

I see a dark alley, we’ll say in Washington , D.C., cause that’s where Jack is right now, and Bond is more likely to go there than ghetto LA California. Jack is where jeans and a black t shirt, partially stained with blood from the last time that he was tortured by the government while pretending to be a terrorist. His gun is at his side – he doesn’t really have a favorite, just whatever he stole from the last terrorist that he killed. He has been on the search for a mole in the FBI, and as a door opens and light spills onto the dark pavement, he sees his target: James Bond.

Bond has just walked into the alley in a tuxedo, leaving a fancy casino-like party where he has just beat a criminal mastermind in baccarat. He is expecting to make his way back to his hotel, where the mastermind’s girlfriend/wife will be waiting for him. Instead, as is wont to happen, he encounters someone – Bauer – who has snuck up behind him and pointed his gun in his neck. “Tell me what I need to know,” he whispers, followed by a yell: “WHO IS THE LEAK???” Bond has no choice but to react with a quick line: “Well, good evening, are all Americans as friendly as you?”

Bond reacts by slamming his head back and turning around, knocking the gun out with a karate chop. Bauer reacts by going to punch him, which Bond pushes away, somehow flipping Jack over. (Remember how often Bond does that in the old movies?) Jack gets up by kicking Bond down and jumping on top of him, with a tussle. He goes for a couple knock out punches, which James manages to avoid before pushing Jack off. Jack realizes he is next to his lost gun, which he grabs and points it at Bond – who already has is Walther PPK out and has shot Bauer’s gun, knocking it out of his hand.

They then have a conversation and realize they’re fighting for the good guys, and then go their separate ways, but Bond has won. Jack’s expertise is more in firearms and torture, unraveling government conspiracies. James has him on everything else. Advantage: Bond.

And this has to be true, because it’s now on the internet.